When life brings you to your knees.

How do you sit the people you love down and tell them what haunts you. I’m not a selfish person. I don’t want them to cry and feel awful inside about my story. I’ve carried this secrect since I was 6. I’ve never told a living soul. I don’t plan on it either. I want to be understood but I don’t want to be felt sorry for. When I was 6 we lived in Texas. The neghiborhood was questionable and police often patrolled the area. I thought nothing of it then, I was always excited to see them. This was the norm. My mom, bless her, went out on a date with my dad. I remember seeing her stress and sadness and hearing her say how badly she needed a night out.I had two older siblings, where they were that night I have no memory of. The next door neighbors happily accepted to babysit me. I was excited because they had kids also. The evening started out just fine and normal, but at some point the kids left. Why, I don’t know. The mother of those kids left also.The dad insisted I take a bath because I would be staying the night. So I happily did so. I had no reason at this point in my life not to trust a man, a father to kids. My father was fine.. Not the greatest but he never touched me, never. I got in the bath he started, played with the toys for a bit. And then it began. He washed my hair and I started to feel uneasy simply by the way he was massaging it. Long story short. I knew what was happening wasn’t what I wanted but out of fear I was paralyzed. I remember being taken out of the bath and placed in a child’s room. Everything else is a blur. I begging and cried to go home and finally was aloud. I can vividly remember the way it felt when the front door of their house was opened. The weather was warm and I was clutching my stuffed animal simba, that I still have to this day. I seen my mothers face so happy to see me. I said nothing. I put on an incredible act. That awful night paved the way for the rest of my life. I’ve been molested by other men since then. I feel like I’ve been nothing but a failure.I’ve cheated on my husband because of the hatred I have for myself is so overwhelming. It’s like I want him to hate me as well. Because in my head that is what I deserve.

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