The shattered pieces of my heart

My husband left, and it was my fault. I’m a cheater…

That was three years ago, and to this day that message still haunts me. I’m a christian, I love the Lord from every fiber of my being, but I’m a cheater. How can I be a christian, and say I love the Lord, and have done something so terrible?

That was three years ago, and he still hates me, he sees my family around town, and he ignores them. I want so deeply to tell him I’m sorry, but I’m sorry isn’t enough. I’m sorry doesn’t get my message across, because yes, I am sorry, but it’s deeper than that. I broke a covenant, I destroyed two lives. I didn’t even want a relationship with anyone else, I just wanted to know I was okay, I was loved, I was desired, I could bring happiness to others’ lives…selfishness.

That was three years ago, and my heart still longs for him to return, even for a short while, just to tell me that he sees the real me, that he knows this is not who I am, and he deeply forgives me. That I’m okay, that i’m not a monster. That I care, and I love…

That was three years ago, and I’ve changed. I struggle in some areas, but in the depths of who I am, I know what choices I need to make every day when I wake up, to become a wife, a mother, a godly woman…yet the pain remains…

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Comments

  1. says

    Everyone makes mistakes in life, but that doesn’t mean they have to pay for them the rest of their life. Sometimes GOOD people make BAD choices. It doesn’t mean they’re bad…it means they’re HUMAN! The reason we have the pain of sin is so that we learn from it and live our lives in such a way so as not to repeat the sin. But you can’t trap yourself in that dark place of self-condemnation and continue to punish yourself. Your repentance is between you and God. Stop punishing the daughter He has forgiven. God loves you. You are his cherished and beloved daughter. Anyone else holding judgement against you for your past mistakes will have to answer to God. But if you keep telling yourself you aren’t worthy of God’s love or anyone else’s love, you will settle for others who don’t truly love and cherish you. (((((Hugs to you))))

  2. says

    God forgives you. If God can forgive you, why can’t you forgive yourself? It sounds like you need forgiveness from your ex-husband. What you wrote above was heartfelt and real. Send him that. Maybe he will see that you are truly sorry and heartbroken over what you decided to do and that you take responsibility for the pain caused. Because of that vulnerability, I pray he will reward you with closure and forgiveness. But in the end, if you don’t get it know that the only forgiveness that really matters is the Lord’s and he has already given it to you and released the burden you carry.

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