What I’m worth…it’s enough.

Throughout my life, I’ve felt like I don’t measure up. And not because I’m short (which I am an down it proudly!), but because I see things through a lens where everything I do falls flat. When I was a little girl, I remember feeling like I was always on the outside looking in – never part of the “in crowd,” never “popular,” and for several years, a victim of bullying. Any positive message I received was countered with the gremlins of “never enough.” Never good enough, never smart enough, never pretty enough, never happy enough…these are my gremlins.
These messages were like a steamroller, paving my way to my teens and early twenties, where I spent years trying to prove I wasn’t worthy enough of anything and therefore didn’t deserve to be happy. I was self-destructive to the point of danger. I was angry and anxious and sad and furious and scared. I felt like there was no way out, and I was so ashamed.
Despite the shame, fear, and those never enough gremlins, something inside me held me grounded. I sought help. I was a little less destructive. I started to feel hope. I felt like I was maybe starting to be worth a little something. I was still anxious, and still nervous that my circle would learn the depths of my depraved past and give up on me. I built walls of protection around me and didn’t let people all the way in. It was exhausting. I had people around who liked me for me and didn’t purposely put me down or try to fit me into a mold of someone else. I had a voice. I started to learn my worth and felt more comfortable in my own skin.
It turns out I’m a pretty likable person. I learned whom to trust with my secrets and that my past wasn’t as scary as I perceived it to be. I was accepted for me – the good and could have been better. I learned what it is to be happy. I learned what it means to feel enough.
It is still hard work. Those gremlins still like to eat after midnight, play in water and attempt hostile takeovers. Motherhood made them a little louder, every decision now carrying more weight than before because another life is counting on me. A little human being looks to me for guidance and love and unconditional acceptance, and I need to give that freely without the lens of “never enough.” I need to show my son how to love freely and how to be enough. How to feel enough. That how you feel about yourself is reflected in how you live and your relationships with other people. I’m scared he may learn about the things I’m ashamed of, and how will I handle that? I can only hope he will learn he is enough, he is loved, and I am a better person because of him.

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