I have had an abortion, and I hate myself for it

I had an abortion not long ago, something I never thought in my wildest dreams, I would do. I already have 3 amazing children, a great husband and I love being a mom. I became pregnant with my first at 18(with my now husband) and abortion was never a thought in our minds. We had that baby, got married, had 2 more babies and life has been great! I found out I was pregnant a few months ago, unexpectedly, and we were both shocked but excited until a few days later when reality set in. My last pregnancy was rough and the birth was traumatic. Once these memories came flooding back both my husband I were terrified of this new pregnancy. Not to mention I’ve had hyperemesis for the 1st trimester with all my pregnancies with a doctor that wouldn’t give medication and told me to just suffer through it. Within a few more days the sickness started to settle in and I was pretty much bedridden, leaving my other 3 kids to take care of themselves(3, 6, 9). Abortion had never crossed my mind until one evening, only 2 short weeks after learning of my pregnancy, and it was something that sounded like an ‘easy’ way to end my suffering. I wasn’t thinking clearly, and certainly wasn’t viewing my pregnancy as the precious gift it was, but rather as this illness that had taken over my body and my life and my ability to take care of my other kids. This type of thinking is very out if character for me. Why would I think like that?! I brought it up to my husband, he was hesitant but told me it was ultimately my decision. I booked the appt. The clinic was very cheery and everyone was so friendly and understanding, which I guess was their way of ‘convincing’ you that what you were about to do was okay. I stupidly fell for it. Immediately upon waking up I felt this HUGE emptiness and was filled with major regret and hatred for myself. I would give ANYTHING to take that day back. I miss my tiny baby as much as if any of my other kids had been taken from me. I am disgusted with myself. My husband has since said he doesn’t want any more kids and booked a vasectomy, but I’m not feeling the same at all, all I can think about is getting pregnant again. I’m scared that this will ruin our marriage. I’m scared I will ruin my kids’ lives. I hate myself so much.

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