Daily Life

I deal with depression.
I deal with anxiety.
I deal with keeping this a secret and trying to handle life through it.
I pride myself on letting people see me as all put together. As someone who can handle a full class load of college classes, plus two jobs that together take up 30 hours of my week, and having time to do the things I want to do like work out and have time with friends. But the truth is, when I wake up, I don’t want to do all those things. I want to crawl into a dark hole and not let anyone see my pain, my darkness, my weakness. But, I can’t do that, so I get out of bed and lie. Lie with a smile on my face. Lie that I am “Good” when people ask how I am. If only they knew that I have suicidal thoughts constantly, or that I have actually tried to end my life many times. Being a “Go-getter” type of girl, I want to conquer this once and for all. I want to be rid of this and win the battle. But, at the same time, I am scared that if I loose this unique part of me; a part of me that is definitely not healthy for me… will I be different from anyone else?
I am also scared to be happy. I have lived sad for 5 years now. I trained myself how to live with being depressed. I would have to retrain myself to live life being happy. When will it end?

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